Life
I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post. I've mostly been absorbed with just about anything that didn't require me to think too deeply about anything without realizing that I was trying really hard not to realize what this week was and what today was in particular.
Didn't work.
Wednesday would have been my mother's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day she died. Her deathday?
Would you believe that on Tuesday I thought about going to a country cooking restaurant I haven't been to in a few months and started crying thinking about Mama's pork chops and didn't stop for an hour? That was the worst point so maybe things are getting better with time.
Things conspired against me for most of the week. Mandy was missing her mother's cooking too and blogged about it. Wednesday I wandered into the recreation room for the patients for the first time in months and the song book on the piano was open to Whispering Hope, Mama's favorite hymn. This morning her one of her amaryllis bloomed.
But then also this morning I attended a wedding at the hospital.
Our facility is a little different. There are two hospitals joined by a central lobby and the building wraps around a beautiful courtyard where there is almost always something in bloom. There is a small rose garden at one end and that's where one of the staff from the psych hospital exchanged her vows this morning with the man she has been with for 20 years. Retirement is coming up so they decided to make it legal. Standing there watching two grey haired people making a commitment to each other and looking at each other with so much love gave me hope that maybe this isn't hell after all.
That's what I really felt Tuesday, that this is hell and heaven may only be wishful thinking and my only hope lies in not killing myself and enduring my sentence here because I want things to be better the next time 'round.
But then I attended a wedding and went back inside and passed by the therapy gym on my way to work where a man with no feet was working out to strengthen his legs so he can walk with prosthetics. So there is hope. At least for some people. And maybe one day I'll finish paying off whatever karmic debt keeps biting me in the ass and I'll find a little hope for me too. Even if it's only being good enough to get to heaven someday so I can have some of Mama's pork chops again.
Didn't work.
Wednesday would have been my mother's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day she died. Her deathday?
Would you believe that on Tuesday I thought about going to a country cooking restaurant I haven't been to in a few months and started crying thinking about Mama's pork chops and didn't stop for an hour? That was the worst point so maybe things are getting better with time.
Things conspired against me for most of the week. Mandy was missing her mother's cooking too and blogged about it. Wednesday I wandered into the recreation room for the patients for the first time in months and the song book on the piano was open to Whispering Hope, Mama's favorite hymn. This morning her one of her amaryllis bloomed.
But then also this morning I attended a wedding at the hospital.
Our facility is a little different. There are two hospitals joined by a central lobby and the building wraps around a beautiful courtyard where there is almost always something in bloom. There is a small rose garden at one end and that's where one of the staff from the psych hospital exchanged her vows this morning with the man she has been with for 20 years. Retirement is coming up so they decided to make it legal. Standing there watching two grey haired people making a commitment to each other and looking at each other with so much love gave me hope that maybe this isn't hell after all.
That's what I really felt Tuesday, that this is hell and heaven may only be wishful thinking and my only hope lies in not killing myself and enduring my sentence here because I want things to be better the next time 'round.
But then I attended a wedding and went back inside and passed by the therapy gym on my way to work where a man with no feet was working out to strengthen his legs so he can walk with prosthetics. So there is hope. At least for some people. And maybe one day I'll finish paying off whatever karmic debt keeps biting me in the ass and I'll find a little hope for me too. Even if it's only being good enough to get to heaven someday so I can have some of Mama's pork chops again.
posted by Ranuel | 6:41 PM
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