How I Cope

Christina asked how it is that I'm holding things together despite the ups and downs of the last couple of months. Knee jerk answer would be “Hell if I know” but seriously I've got a lot of coping strategies that I use, some of which others might benefit from.

In no particular order these include:

* Reframing – How much something upsets us is often more a function of how we view it than anything else. By consciously making myself look for other ways to view something I can often find a way of looking at it that doesn't upset me as much. It's hard to do at first, especially in the heat of the moment, but with practice it becomes easier.

For instance, I know someone who is very sarcastic and often says things that offend those she interacts with. I've known her long enough to know that she gets into moods where she snaps at people for little reason. Some of that is due to not feeling well because of health problems. When she snaps at me I could view it as proof that she hates me (even though we tend to get along most of the time) but instead I usually dismiss it as her just being her and reply with a sarcastic comment of my own and then forget it.

Or I'll be getting upset about something and I'll intentionally blow it up until it becomes ridiculous and I have to laugh. I can't really come up with a good example of this right now. The next time it comes up I'll try to remember to post about it.

* Meditation techniques – I don't regularly meditate right now but I've done it in the past and I have done enough of it that I have gotten myself trained to be able to enter that mental state with long deep breaths held and then released and a mental repetition of a calming statement. It doesn't make the stress all go away but it goes a good way toward keeping off a panic attack. This takes time to set up since you have to actually have done full fledged meditation enough to know that state and condition yourself to reach it.

* Distraction – Call a friend, read a good story, take a walk, take a nap. Anything and everything that keeps me from brooding. Funny stuff works best for this.

* Avoidance – If I know something will contribute to my stress levels and it's something that I can put off or avoid entirely without adding to my stress later on then I chose not to deal with it. This includes trivial things like shopping in crowded stores as well as serious stuff like going through my mother's closet and disposing of her clothes.

Of course I can't put stuff off forever but I can at least try to put it off until I have more energy or emotional balance to deal with it.

* Thinking about key life lessons I have picked up from sources as diverse as Jesus, Buddha, and Spider Robinson - Stuff like most suffering is caused by an attachment to things and the importance of letting go. Shared sorrow is lessened. There is a life after this one and therefore hope.

* Reminding myself to revel in the good things instead of dismissing them immediately in favor of dwelling on the bad. - No, not some Polyanna think positive thing. I had/have a habit of not taking time to appreciate good things when they happen out of a fear that all good things will be paid for by equal or greater amounts of bad things and by fully enjoying the good I'm opening the way for the bad. Being able to feel good for more than a moment about a raise, a compliment, a surprise gift, etc is a big thing that I have to work at; as is being able to set aside brooding about bad things if the energy is better spent elsewhere.

* Just doing the next thing and trying to get through that instead of stressing about what might happen tomorrow.

* Working at taking care of myself physically. - Getting enough sleep is a big struggle so a year ago I instituted a set bed time of 9pm and a routine for meeting it. I'm often up past it but I'm getting better at coming close. I don't find myself still up and on the computer at 11:30 on a work night several times a week anymore and I do feel better for getting more sleep than I used to.

Part of that is being firm with other people about this. Since I live alone you'd think that wouldn't be a problem but you'd be surprised how often someone will call or IM me close to bedtime even after I've told them that I need to be in bed by 9pm on a work night. If they just want to chat I tell them that I have to be off in 20 minutes or whatever and stick to that. If they are having a problem and need to talk about it then of course I stay up as late as I need to and I don't mind that they called but that doesn't happen enough to be a big factor.

I also am working at getting more exercise. I joined Curves in December and even though my health issues have kept me from going as much as I should I enjoy it when I go and I'm getting better at setting up my life so that when I'm not in pain or sick I actually do make it by there.

* Cutting myself some slack – accepting that there are things I can't change and not beating myself up over the mistakes that come from that.

I'm dyslexic and I refuse to be embarrassed by that anymore. Not being able to spell well is not a sign that I'm stupid but a problem with the wiring in my brain. There are successful novelists with the same problem so I'm not doomed to failure by it. Spell check and copy editors are my friends.

I'm asthmatic and I'm not going to be able to just decide to go jogging every morning to get into shape. I need to plan my exercise program so that I can do it safely.

I have some minor problems with fine motor skills as well as poor peripheral vision so if I drop things and bump into things I will not repeat my father's lectures about being careless I will just remember why I do it and resolve to do the best I can in the future.

If I wouldn't hold something against a friend then I should not hold it against myself.

And finally, it's okay if I have bad day. In fact giving myself permission to cry or brood when I'm in a safe place to do that instead of pushing it all back behind a wall often means that I'll have a bad hour instead of a bad day and I'll be able to get on with things much better.

All in all I'm doing far better than I would have expected 10 years ago if someone had asked how I would deal with the sort of things that I have dealt with in the last few years. I'm still looking to improve but I'm not dead or curled up in bed wanting to die and that's a biggie.